Apr 27, 2010
Apr 1, 2010
Marraige 7:1
While talking to my sister the other day, the question of “what makes a healthy relationship?” came up. We discussed it a little but I was left feeling unsatisfied. I pondered some more. Then I remembered two things. One, we won’t get to be prefect in this life therefore our relationships will probably never be 100% perfect or “healthy”.
Two was the 7:1 ratio. They used to think it was 3:1 but after more research they found it was high than they first guessed.
In marriage prep class, I learned about research that had been being conducted for several years (over 30) by a leader in the field of “healthy relationships”. He wanted to know what were the indicators of whether or not a couple would stay together and consider themselves happy in their marriages. So he set up these get away houses where couples would come to stay for free and he could observe them. Then he did follow up and questionnaires ect. But they found there was only one thing they could find that was consistent among the couples that stayed together and were happy. It was the 7:1 ratio. For every one negative thing said, they also had 7 positive things.
http://www.gottman.com/ This is the researcher/institution conducting the research.
The moral I took away was… if it’s bothering you, get it off your chest. If you need to scream and yell, scream and yell. But make sure you give seven times the love and kindness. Always make sure the positive you say to your spouse out ways the negative excessively!
This is why I know my marriage has problems but I’m not worried about it. We’re working on it, but mainly we say more positive things and loving things than negative ones. Yrygsh actually has me beat on this. I am more critical of him than he has ever been of me. I have blossomed into a woman I never thought I could be under his praise and gentle encouragement. I need to learn to do the same for him.
There’s my two cents.
Mahaw!
Two was the 7:1 ratio. They used to think it was 3:1 but after more research they found it was high than they first guessed.
In marriage prep class, I learned about research that had been being conducted for several years (over 30) by a leader in the field of “healthy relationships”. He wanted to know what were the indicators of whether or not a couple would stay together and consider themselves happy in their marriages. So he set up these get away houses where couples would come to stay for free and he could observe them. Then he did follow up and questionnaires ect. But they found there was only one thing they could find that was consistent among the couples that stayed together and were happy. It was the 7:1 ratio. For every one negative thing said, they also had 7 positive things.
http://www.gottman.com/ This is the researcher/institution conducting the research.
The moral I took away was… if it’s bothering you, get it off your chest. If you need to scream and yell, scream and yell. But make sure you give seven times the love and kindness. Always make sure the positive you say to your spouse out ways the negative excessively!
This is why I know my marriage has problems but I’m not worried about it. We’re working on it, but mainly we say more positive things and loving things than negative ones. Yrygsh actually has me beat on this. I am more critical of him than he has ever been of me. I have blossomed into a woman I never thought I could be under his praise and gentle encouragement. I need to learn to do the same for him.
There’s my two cents.
Mahaw!
Mar 23, 2010
Oppinions needed
I was told this is too harsh... what do you think?
Once upon a time there were two sisters.
Both were beautiful and courageous.
Both loved one man.
Now you say this is a recipe for a mess, and it was.
The man loved both equally for they were very alike in many ways.
Then came the summons of the King. All able bodied men should go to war.
The two sisters watched as he packed his bags, crying and wondering if they should ever see him again. He asked them to write and both promised they would. He walked into the sunset.
The one turned to the other and said, “I cannot see him go and sit here and wait.” She gathered a few things and followed him to war.
Days, weeks, months, and years passed.
The war was hard.
The sister fought with valor. She became as strong as any man. She wielded her sword with skill. At first she fought with the man and shielded his back from brutal blows. Soon she became so valued that she moved always up the ranks.
The other sister stayed at home. Every week he received a letter telling him of the seasons and what was happening in their sleepy town. Every week he knew her prayers were uplifting him from afar.
At long last the war was over. The three met again upon the hill. Two were strong and bold. One was delicate and innocent.
The war worn sister prepared herself to receive her husband but found her sister received the prize.
Angry she approached her sister. “He is a fool and swayed only by his eyes. He does not realize that I am his equal, or perhaps he is afraid because I am.”
The softer sister shook her head and calmly said, “It is not weakness he seeks in me. For which is harder? To go to war and always have something to do and fight for, or to sit at home and wait without becoming bitter, and hard; or afraid, and clingy; or domineering and independent? I have fought a war, but I did not try to fight his for him. I fought the war to maintain a place of peace for him.”
Once upon a time there were two sisters.
Both were beautiful and courageous.
Both loved one man.
Now you say this is a recipe for a mess, and it was.
The man loved both equally for they were very alike in many ways.
Then came the summons of the King. All able bodied men should go to war.
The two sisters watched as he packed his bags, crying and wondering if they should ever see him again. He asked them to write and both promised they would. He walked into the sunset.
The one turned to the other and said, “I cannot see him go and sit here and wait.” She gathered a few things and followed him to war.
Days, weeks, months, and years passed.
The war was hard.
The sister fought with valor. She became as strong as any man. She wielded her sword with skill. At first she fought with the man and shielded his back from brutal blows. Soon she became so valued that she moved always up the ranks.
The other sister stayed at home. Every week he received a letter telling him of the seasons and what was happening in their sleepy town. Every week he knew her prayers were uplifting him from afar.
At long last the war was over. The three met again upon the hill. Two were strong and bold. One was delicate and innocent.
The war worn sister prepared herself to receive her husband but found her sister received the prize.
Angry she approached her sister. “He is a fool and swayed only by his eyes. He does not realize that I am his equal, or perhaps he is afraid because I am.”
The softer sister shook her head and calmly said, “It is not weakness he seeks in me. For which is harder? To go to war and always have something to do and fight for, or to sit at home and wait without becoming bitter, and hard; or afraid, and clingy; or domineering and independent? I have fought a war, but I did not try to fight his for him. I fought the war to maintain a place of peace for him.”
Mar 13, 2010
So I had it all wrong...
Back in the day I learned about subconscious, conscious, and... that other one that's the deepest. And I thought I had a pretty good grasp on it. Your subconscious was created in the past(like childhood) and is the filter through which you interpret the world. So being formed at a very young unwise age it's prone to flaws of enormous consequences! Like someone abuses you and now for the rest of your life you think you are a bad person. Well, that's stupid but that's how it works.
Here's where I was wrong though.
I was taught, or I though I was. That in order to over come that, you have to remember the triggering events and learn to think about them differently. This can be a very painful and difficult processes because more than one event almost always formed the subconscious result.
Ok, but what if it's not that way? What if they're going the long way around a problem?
I recently had brain circuitry explained.
What causes subconscious thought? It's not what you learned as a child, that's just true through default. The subconscious is your auto pilot. It's the quickest most efficient way to get the result you want. Meaning your brain wants to do things in an efficient manner so it build circuitry and then uses and reuses it because it is easiest to use.
You were abused so you thought you were a bad person. You were abused again, that circuitry is already there so it is used again making them stronger connections instead of trying to create new ones. By the time you're an adult anything bad that happens to you get sent through that filter because it's so well built up.
So do you have to go back and look at each of those events to over come it?
NO!
You don't have to remember a single event. If you do then you can face it and deal with it but you don't HAVE to.
The key is to build new brain circuitry which them allows the old circuits to shrink and you've literally built a new subconscious! A filter of your older(hopefully more wise) self to use on auto pilot! It just makes me happy. I'm no long a prisoner of the past. I can choose how I see things in the future and I don't have to carry around baggage, mine or any ancestor's.
How do you do it? I'm sure that parts the most complexly simple part of all. Of course it starts with realizing your thinking is wrong and getting a good look at what you would prefer it to be. Most people do it with self talk. And I know that's part of it. A great deal of it is to be aware of what you're thinking and not letting auto pilot take over. Choose what you think and fight false thoughts with statements of truth. I strongly believe it involves kicking those spirits(those who know this is one of your thought pattern and like to whisper you thoughts that get you started down that path) out of your life. Another part of it is just practise. It took time to build those circuits it will take repetition to get out of them. The main thing is not to run from wrong thoughts but to face them and say "You are wrong. This is what is right." Then replace.
This concept I wish I could share with the world. I gives the power back to me. And doesn't make me feel overwhelmed by trying day in and day out fighting something that seems impossibly to fight. I've already come so far and I didn't know I was doing it.
Growing up and in college I believed there was something wrong with me. I did everything wrong and I was unworthy because there was something wrong with me. I don't believe that any more. It amazes me I ever listened to the blatant lie. And the stupid choices I made because I believed it. But it doesn't matter anymore because I don't believe it anymore. Yet at one time I did. It controlled my whole world. Good and bad choices were made because of that one belief. How did it change? I married a righteous husband and had children. Somewhere in my mind that didn't fit with the theory. So I had to replace it. Any time it would come up I would have to say, "how can that be? It can't be. I'm a good person. And I have everything I need to make it through this life or I wouldn't have come this far." Now I know how it works I can choose how I want to respond ... oh so freeing!
This is freedom, to know you have a choice and to make it!
Here's where I was wrong though.
I was taught, or I though I was. That in order to over come that, you have to remember the triggering events and learn to think about them differently. This can be a very painful and difficult processes because more than one event almost always formed the subconscious result.
Ok, but what if it's not that way? What if they're going the long way around a problem?
I recently had brain circuitry explained.
What causes subconscious thought? It's not what you learned as a child, that's just true through default. The subconscious is your auto pilot. It's the quickest most efficient way to get the result you want. Meaning your brain wants to do things in an efficient manner so it build circuitry and then uses and reuses it because it is easiest to use.
You were abused so you thought you were a bad person. You were abused again, that circuitry is already there so it is used again making them stronger connections instead of trying to create new ones. By the time you're an adult anything bad that happens to you get sent through that filter because it's so well built up.
So do you have to go back and look at each of those events to over come it?
NO!
You don't have to remember a single event. If you do then you can face it and deal with it but you don't HAVE to.
The key is to build new brain circuitry which them allows the old circuits to shrink and you've literally built a new subconscious! A filter of your older(hopefully more wise) self to use on auto pilot! It just makes me happy. I'm no long a prisoner of the past. I can choose how I see things in the future and I don't have to carry around baggage, mine or any ancestor's.
How do you do it? I'm sure that parts the most complexly simple part of all. Of course it starts with realizing your thinking is wrong and getting a good look at what you would prefer it to be. Most people do it with self talk. And I know that's part of it. A great deal of it is to be aware of what you're thinking and not letting auto pilot take over. Choose what you think and fight false thoughts with statements of truth. I strongly believe it involves kicking those spirits(those who know this is one of your thought pattern and like to whisper you thoughts that get you started down that path) out of your life. Another part of it is just practise. It took time to build those circuits it will take repetition to get out of them. The main thing is not to run from wrong thoughts but to face them and say "You are wrong. This is what is right." Then replace.
This concept I wish I could share with the world. I gives the power back to me. And doesn't make me feel overwhelmed by trying day in and day out fighting something that seems impossibly to fight. I've already come so far and I didn't know I was doing it.
Growing up and in college I believed there was something wrong with me. I did everything wrong and I was unworthy because there was something wrong with me. I don't believe that any more. It amazes me I ever listened to the blatant lie. And the stupid choices I made because I believed it. But it doesn't matter anymore because I don't believe it anymore. Yet at one time I did. It controlled my whole world. Good and bad choices were made because of that one belief. How did it change? I married a righteous husband and had children. Somewhere in my mind that didn't fit with the theory. So I had to replace it. Any time it would come up I would have to say, "how can that be? It can't be. I'm a good person. And I have everything I need to make it through this life or I wouldn't have come this far." Now I know how it works I can choose how I want to respond ... oh so freeing!
This is freedom, to know you have a choice and to make it!
Feb 16, 2010
As Sister in Zion (Happy Valentine’s Day)
Growing up Valentine’s day was all about boys and being in love and getting and giving gifts that included roses and chocolates etc. Usually there was a box of those little hearts with saying on them. I would shake the box and say, pulling one out. “This is what my true love is thinking about me right now.” It’s amazing what Joel thought about me when we hadn’t even met. LOL!
Then I hit the “Singles awareness day” phase. When the thought of Valentine’s day struck fear into my heart, and everything felt a little more depressing, another year without the roses or the chocolates, or even a boyfriend to forget.
Then I got married and guess what, no roses or chocolates. We didn’t forget. He looked at me with a twinkle in his eye as Little T crawled into our bed and said “Happy Valentines day.” I responded in kind and that was enough.
But something happened that reminded me of every good Valentines day I’ve ever had. I said something stupid in Relief Society. You know, one of those statements that if taken wrong can make a lot of people think there are bigger problems than there are. Yeah. I’m brilliant. But then something wonderful happened. At least three sisters made sure to not let the day go by without offering some sort of support. I know I could have been offended or thought how insincere they were for only making this show when they thought something was wrong. But it touched my heart so deeply that they would come running to my aid. That if the problem was there they would run to help, it took my breath away. IT also amazed me that I could feel so loved when in actuality it was the Savoir they were loving. They felt prompted and were so anxious to be His servant that they heard and headed that prompting quickly.
Then Little T’s adopted Grandma came and helped us make sugar cookies and we had a little chocolate, she’s so much fun.
So, as I Was sitting there that night thinking over the events of the day, I took the time to go further back and think of all the good Valentine’s Days I’ve had. And you know what? None of them have involved roses or chocolates etc. Some have included cupcakes and sugar cookies. But they have always been the product of the sisterly love shared between me and my sisters (whether adopted, through relief society, or my own wonderful sisters) IT is amazing the love and that you can partake of without a man in your life. And it’s amazing how that love is continued to be needful when that man has come.
I hope if I miss hear or hear aright , that I go running to let my sister know she’s loved!
Then I hit the “Singles awareness day” phase. When the thought of Valentine’s day struck fear into my heart, and everything felt a little more depressing, another year without the roses or the chocolates, or even a boyfriend to forget.
Then I got married and guess what, no roses or chocolates. We didn’t forget. He looked at me with a twinkle in his eye as Little T crawled into our bed and said “Happy Valentines day.” I responded in kind and that was enough.
But something happened that reminded me of every good Valentines day I’ve ever had. I said something stupid in Relief Society. You know, one of those statements that if taken wrong can make a lot of people think there are bigger problems than there are. Yeah. I’m brilliant. But then something wonderful happened. At least three sisters made sure to not let the day go by without offering some sort of support. I know I could have been offended or thought how insincere they were for only making this show when they thought something was wrong. But it touched my heart so deeply that they would come running to my aid. That if the problem was there they would run to help, it took my breath away. IT also amazed me that I could feel so loved when in actuality it was the Savoir they were loving. They felt prompted and were so anxious to be His servant that they heard and headed that prompting quickly.
Then Little T’s adopted Grandma came and helped us make sugar cookies and we had a little chocolate, she’s so much fun.
So, as I Was sitting there that night thinking over the events of the day, I took the time to go further back and think of all the good Valentine’s Days I’ve had. And you know what? None of them have involved roses or chocolates etc. Some have included cupcakes and sugar cookies. But they have always been the product of the sisterly love shared between me and my sisters (whether adopted, through relief society, or my own wonderful sisters) IT is amazing the love and that you can partake of without a man in your life. And it’s amazing how that love is continued to be needful when that man has come.
I hope if I miss hear or hear aright , that I go running to let my sister know she’s loved!
Feb 6, 2010
I think this is it....
This one is almost too small for her. But she likes the ABCs. 
I love this one because esentially it's just a square peice of fabric. (A stained one at that but Little T loved the bears. It's still a little big but it will last her for awhile.) 
I even did decorative stitching(that was the thing that took the longest!) 
Last nigh T and Yrgysh played dress up.
Once upon a time An evil spell was cast upon a good fairy. Under the evil spell she atacked the good Prince.
The battle was long and firce! But at last, as the Prince concered the evil spell was broken and the good fairy was released.
And to celebrate the good fairy invited thw handsome Prince to a ball. And they danced the night away.
(Insert video of them dancing...stupid wouldn't upload...am too tired to keep trying)
I love this one because esentially it's just a square peice of fabric. (A stained one at that but Little T loved the bears. It's still a little big but it will last her for awhile.) 
I even did decorative stitching(that was the thing that took the longest!) 
Last nigh T and Yrgysh played dress up.
Once upon a time An evil spell was cast upon a good fairy. Under the evil spell she atacked the good Prince.
The battle was long and firce! But at last, as the Prince concered the evil spell was broken and the good fairy was released.
And to celebrate the good fairy invited thw handsome Prince to a ball. And they danced the night away.
(Insert video of them dancing...stupid wouldn't upload...am too tired to keep trying)
Feb 5, 2010
Adjustment of plans...
Well. After some thought (and a little pulling out of my hair)Yrygsh and I realized that we had already made the gluten adjust last year. It's taken a year to both be ok with it as a permanant situation and to learn how to work with the replacement foods. So one down, YAY!
So in light of that information we decided to take the next adjustments just as slow. This coming year we will edit out sugar replacing it with agave. In the years to come we will furthure the adjustment but one thing at a time.
Adding to my stress I got to wondering why Tori was always wearing PJs around after I cleaned her drawers out of the 24 mth stuff with each laundry load. That's when I realized shhe had only one shirt.
So I made these two thing (plus one that came out too small.
The first is a play dress because pants and potty training don't always go together.
The second was made out of a night gown the mom got from the thrift store while she was here. Remember mom? So all the hard parts were already done... it's kind of hodgpog but they are play cloths so I don't mind.
Then ofcourse there's little mE's first date with Tal(only a little more than a week younger).
And last but nit least is me making use of the sling on a particularly clingy evening.
So in light of that information we decided to take the next adjustments just as slow. This coming year we will edit out sugar replacing it with agave. In the years to come we will furthure the adjustment but one thing at a time.
Adding to my stress I got to wondering why Tori was always wearing PJs around after I cleaned her drawers out of the 24 mth stuff with each laundry load. That's when I realized shhe had only one shirt.
So I made these two thing (plus one that came out too small.
The first is a play dress because pants and potty training don't always go together.
The second was made out of a night gown the mom got from the thrift store while she was here. Remember mom? So all the hard parts were already done... it's kind of hodgpog but they are play cloths so I don't mind.
Then ofcourse there's little mE's first date with Tal(only a little more than a week younger).
And last but nit least is me making use of the sling on a particularly clingy evening.
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