Aug 15, 2010

The water hole!

Just quick!
Memories of water holes.
I grew up on a mom and pop farm. Lots of FUN!
Including swimming in the pond in the back. Yep the same small pond we fished in. :) Two memories from that are: 1. looking up and seeing a water moccasin going back under the murky water (got out pretty fast!), and 2. using thick foam boards as boats to sail across.
Another place I loved to swim were the puddles in the drive way. I remember crawling along my belly and puddle hopping in my swim suit. Then standing up and looking down my front. The swim suit hadn't kept out the sludge...muddy all down!
But my favorite was watching Little Mrs Sunshine and my older brother taking running leaps at boards perched at the edge of two large puddles and going "surfing" across. I tried it for years but never managed their proficiency.

Jul 27, 2010

Fire!

In Old West Ranch where we had thought about moving. Already 30 homes have been lost. I think they need our prayers.

Jul 19, 2010

Bugs

Ok so I'm answering the slice of life post.
Bugs are my friends!
You would think I was brought up in a home of Budist monks... instead of a bunch of Southern (swat/splat/spray) women.
I wasn't always so merciful. But I prided myself on being able to kill without running or screaming. I'd just stomp them with no fear. Except spiders, I'd stomp them but the fear was the motivation.
I don't know when, but I realized most bugs aren't out to get me and suddenly I can't kill them without reason. And that reason has to be more than just inconvience.
Now there's two slightly horrifying stories to go with this.
One. I ws explaining my feelings to one of my friends one day and she looked down at the side walk at some ants that were crawling by and stomped and twisted. Then she looked at me very pleased with herself and said, "Guess I'm not to that level yet." LOL. She's a corker. But I feel bad that my comment cost those ants their lives. Oh my.
Then there was my husband. He's been having to deal with this and one day (I don't remember what kind of bug it was) but he thought it had somehow tried to hurt me. So his defence button was pushed. I caught it in a paper towel and asked him to take it outside. He carried it about three feet then "accidently dropped it", then thud/splat! "Woops". LOL, yeah right.
I don't tip toe over them, but I try not to hurt them if they don't hurt me first.
PS Mom, misquitos and black widdows are exceptions to thhis. I must protect my babies after all.

Jul 15, 2010

The Price of Imperfection

I see you
Play peek-a-boo
Wondering what the world is made of.
How frustrating it is
That your arms and legs wont move
just the way you want them too.


I see you
Search the mirror each morning
for flaws and imperfections
How heart breaking it is
that your face isn't like
Those picturesque women
Everyone has come to expect


I see you
Complaining to your friends
Of aches and pains
And mysterious lumps
How sad it is
Your body is degrading
So early and so much



I would have chosen each chromosome
To make it perfect if I could
It never would have faded
It would have been immaculately beautiful
It would have learned so much more quickly


But all I could do
Was open up a door
And offer my body for yours





Not my best poetry ever, but this morning I'm sitting here hurting from having a lump removed. Then as I watch my daughter get frustrated that she can't lift herself up the way she wants to, I remembered being so hurt every time I looked in the mirror growing up. My body was too big, too pimply, to awkward.
Then I looked at my daughter and thought how perfect her body is. It isn't "perfect", in came from imperfection; but it was just the vessel she needed to come to this earth. I would have made it perfect if I could, but all I could do was invite her to come. I am grateful my mother invited me, I know I waited anxiously, this body is what I waited and hoped and dream of.
Then my thoughts turned to the Savior and the price He payed so that I could come down and have a body.
Well, lets just say, "You can color me grateful.", instead of frustrated.

What color is grateful anyway? Do you think it would go with my blue shirt?

Jul 13, 2010

Special

Looking around this blog and my facebook, you wouldn't think there was anything special about me or the way I live my life.
I offer no instructions on how to do this or that.
I offer no intimate look at my life or that of my children.
I offer no insight into a topic of importance or even interest.
I can't even claim consistence in what and when I post.
So, why are you reading this?
LOL!
Because you're my friend or family and chances are, you haven't checked this sight in a few months.
Oh dear, do you ever wonder why we do the things we do?

Jul 10, 2010

Just found this and it made me so happy!

Taken while up in the bay area.
video

Jun 30, 2010

Planets and Stars...Holy Cow

I knew there were bigger things out there... But as I watched I thought... where does it end? NOW I feel like a spec.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BS88G5WBcfQ
And I thoung Chicago was forever away.

Jun 29, 2010

How's this for a book? Would you keep reading? lol

Searching for My Soul Mate

Prolog
“No matter what, I will find you!” says mullet sporting, shiny teeth, singer acting out a scene from pre-earth life. “And I’ll be waiting. I promise!” responds gorgeous actress. Twenty minutes and several songs later they meet. They recognize. They sing. Soul mates. Romantic right?
So maybe I was naive. Maybe I was this overly boy crazy, romantic, dreamer that couldn’t get it out of her head that maybe, just maybe, there was a guy somewhere out there who had promised to find me, little mousey brown haired me, and who would remember his love for me the moment we met.
Ok, you can pull yourself up off the floor now. It’s been a long hard road and believe me, my ideas have been taken to the revision table more times than I like to remember.
But here’s the thing. It’s my story and, whether you believe it or not, this is the way it happened.


Chapter One
How I knew he existed
I had probably done it that morning. Please, don’t laugh. It was a ritual. When the danilions turned to thistle down and those large puff balls of mystery and power started to take flight amongst the pine woods of southeast texas, I found my bit of magic. Running about a field of them I plucked stem after stem and taking large breaths, made a statment and tried to blow all of the seeds off. If I got them all in one breath the statement was true. If not, well then not. Kind of like one of those bowling balls with the phrases dice suspended in blue water. Yeah, only with nature so it had to be more valid right?
Anyway, my favorite wish? “I will meet my true love at church this week.”
I was going to marry someone who believed the same things I did. I felt too strongly about it to even consider anything else, yes even at fourteen, which is where this story begins. So, the best place to meet my soul mate would be at church. One never knew when one’s soul mate might show up. My older sister’s had shown up when she was fifteen, my other sister when she was eight. Mine was due any time!
Though, as it turns out, this wasn’t just any day. Today I was visiting my sister and going with her to her parish.
The chapel doors seemed to say to me, “Hush be still” I shook under their gaze. This meeting house was dark compared to the one I usually attended. Parishioners chatted easily, and I listened. I’m a good listener, mostly because I’m too scared to say anything.

Jun 26, 2010

Has it been so long?!

I'm sure I have a ton to blog. I think if uploading pics and movies didn't take so long I'd do it more.
videoHere's what we've been up to ...basicly. We run here. We run there. And in the middle of it all we sit still and watch our little ones grow. Little mE is on the verge of full fledged crawling! Little T can count to twelve and recognize all her color words. Yrgysh is about to present at a conference some work he's been prefecting for about a yyear... maybe more. And I am still trying to figure out where I fit in the publishing world... if at all :) Here's the last one.. this is how we got friction burns on Little T's ribbs... but she LOVES it!
video

May 13, 2010

Death of a child


Where did the laughter go,
The romping and the play?
Where fled the soulful eyes
Filled with over awed gaze?
How could this place be empty
How could you be buried
In cold unpenaturable chrysalis of age?

Apr 1, 2010

Marraige 7:1

While talking to my sister the other day, the question of “what makes a healthy relationship?” came up. We discussed it a little but I was left feeling unsatisfied. I pondered some more. Then I remembered two things. One, we won’t get to be prefect in this life therefore our relationships will probably never be 100% perfect or “healthy”.
Two was the 7:1 ratio. They used to think it was 3:1 but after more research they found it was high than they first guessed.
In marriage prep class, I learned about research that had been being conducted for several years (over 30) by a leader in the field of “healthy relationships”. He wanted to know what were the indicators of whether or not a couple would stay together and consider themselves happy in their marriages. So he set up these get away houses where couples would come to stay for free and he could observe them. Then he did follow up and questionnaires ect. But they found there was only one thing they could find that was consistent among the couples that stayed together and were happy. It was the 7:1 ratio. For every one negative thing said, they also had 7 positive things.
http://www.gottman.com/ This is the researcher/institution conducting the research.
The moral I took away was… if it’s bothering you, get it off your chest. If you need to scream and yell, scream and yell. But make sure you give seven times the love and kindness. Always make sure the positive you say to your spouse out ways the negative excessively!
This is why I know my marriage has problems but I’m not worried about it. We’re working on it, but mainly we say more positive things and loving things than negative ones. Yrygsh actually has me beat on this. I am more critical of him than he has ever been of me. I have blossomed into a woman I never thought I could be under his praise and gentle encouragement. I need to learn to do the same for him.
There’s my two cents.
Mahaw!

Mar 23, 2010

Oppinions needed

I was told this is too harsh... what do you think?

Once upon a time there were two sisters.
Both were beautiful and courageous.


Both loved one man.


Now you say this is a recipe for a mess, and it was.
The man loved both equally for they were very alike in many ways.
Then came the summons of the King. All able bodied men should go to war.
The two sisters watched as he packed his bags, crying and wondering if they should ever see him again. He asked them to write and both promised they would. He walked into the sunset.
The one turned to the other and said, “I cannot see him go and sit here and wait.” She gathered a few things and followed him to war.
Days, weeks, months, and years passed.
The war was hard.
The sister fought with valor. She became as strong as any man. She wielded her sword with skill. At first she fought with the man and shielded his back from brutal blows. Soon she became so valued that she moved always up the ranks.


The other sister stayed at home. Every week he received a letter telling him of the seasons and what was happening in their sleepy town. Every week he knew her prayers were uplifting him from afar.


At long last the war was over. The three met again upon the hill. Two were strong and bold. One was delicate and innocent.
The war worn sister prepared herself to receive her husband but found her sister received the prize.
Angry she approached her sister. “He is a fool and swayed only by his eyes. He does not realize that I am his equal, or perhaps he is afraid because I am.”
The softer sister shook her head and calmly said, “It is not weakness he seeks in me. For which is harder? To go to war and always have something to do and fight for, or to sit at home and wait without becoming bitter, and hard; or afraid, and clingy; or domineering and independent? I have fought a war, but I did not try to fight his for him. I fought the war to maintain a place of peace for him.”

Mar 13, 2010

So I had it all wrong...

Back in the day I learned about subconscious, conscious, and... that other one that's the deepest. And I thought I had a pretty good grasp on it. Your subconscious was created in the past(like childhood) and is the filter through which you interpret the world. So being formed at a very young unwise age it's prone to flaws of enormous consequences! Like someone abuses you and now for the rest of your life you think you are a bad person. Well, that's stupid but that's how it works.
Here's where I was wrong though.
I was taught, or I though I was. That in order to over come that, you have to remember the triggering events and learn to think about them differently. This can be a very painful and difficult processes because more than one event almost always formed the subconscious result.
Ok, but what if it's not that way? What if they're going the long way around a problem?
I recently had brain circuitry explained.
What causes subconscious thought? It's not what you learned as a child, that's just true through default. The subconscious is your auto pilot. It's the quickest most efficient way to get the result you want. Meaning your brain wants to do things in an efficient manner so it build circuitry and then uses and reuses it because it is easiest to use.
You were abused so you thought you were a bad person. You were abused again, that circuitry is already there so it is used again making them stronger connections instead of trying to create new ones. By the time you're an adult anything bad that happens to you get sent through that filter because it's so well built up.
So do you have to go back and look at each of those events to over come it?
NO!
You don't have to remember a single event. If you do then you can face it and deal with it but you don't HAVE to.
The key is to build new brain circuitry which them allows the old circuits to shrink and you've literally built a new subconscious! A filter of your older(hopefully more wise) self to use on auto pilot! It just makes me happy. I'm no long a prisoner of the past. I can choose how I see things in the future and I don't have to carry around baggage, mine or any ancestor's.
How do you do it? I'm sure that parts the most complexly simple part of all. Of course it starts with realizing your thinking is wrong and getting a good look at what you would prefer it to be. Most people do it with self talk. And I know that's part of it. A great deal of it is to be aware of what you're thinking and not letting auto pilot take over. Choose what you think and fight false thoughts with statements of truth. I strongly believe it involves kicking those spirits(those who know this is one of your thought pattern and like to whisper you thoughts that get you started down that path) out of your life. Another part of it is just practise. It took time to build those circuits it will take repetition to get out of them. The main thing is not to run from wrong thoughts but to face them and say "You are wrong. This is what is right." Then replace.
This concept I wish I could share with the world. I gives the power back to me. And doesn't make me feel overwhelmed by trying day in and day out fighting something that seems impossibly to fight. I've already come so far and I didn't know I was doing it.
Growing up and in college I believed there was something wrong with me. I did everything wrong and I was unworthy because there was something wrong with me. I don't believe that any more. It amazes me I ever listened to the blatant lie. And the stupid choices I made because I believed it. But it doesn't matter anymore because I don't believe it anymore. Yet at one time I did. It controlled my whole world. Good and bad choices were made because of that one belief. How did it change? I married a righteous husband and had children. Somewhere in my mind that didn't fit with the theory. So I had to replace it. Any time it would come up I would have to say, "how can that be? It can't be. I'm a good person. And I have everything I need to make it through this life or I wouldn't have come this far." Now I know how it works I can choose how I want to respond ... oh so freeing!
This is freedom, to know you have a choice and to make it!

Feb 16, 2010

As Sister in Zion (Happy Valentine’s Day)

Growing up Valentine’s day was all about boys and being in love and getting and giving gifts that included roses and chocolates etc. Usually there was a box of those little hearts with saying on them. I would shake the box and say, pulling one out. “This is what my true love is thinking about me right now.” It’s amazing what Joel thought about me when we hadn’t even met. LOL!
Then I hit the “Singles awareness day” phase. When the thought of Valentine’s day struck fear into my heart, and everything felt a little more depressing, another year without the roses or the chocolates, or even a boyfriend to forget.
Then I got married and guess what, no roses or chocolates. We didn’t forget. He looked at me with a twinkle in his eye as Little T crawled into our bed and said “Happy Valentines day.” I responded in kind and that was enough.
But something happened that reminded me of every good Valentines day I’ve ever had. I said something stupid in Relief Society. You know, one of those statements that if taken wrong can make a lot of people think there are bigger problems than there are. Yeah. I’m brilliant. But then something wonderful happened. At least three sisters made sure to not let the day go by without offering some sort of support. I know I could have been offended or thought how insincere they were for only making this show when they thought something was wrong. But it touched my heart so deeply that they would come running to my aid. That if the problem was there they would run to help, it took my breath away. IT also amazed me that I could feel so loved when in actuality it was the Savoir they were loving. They felt prompted and were so anxious to be His servant that they heard and headed that prompting quickly.
Then Little T’s adopted Grandma came and helped us make sugar cookies and we had a little chocolate, she’s so much fun.
So, as I Was sitting there that night thinking over the events of the day, I took the time to go further back and think of all the good Valentine’s Days I’ve had. And you know what? None of them have involved roses or chocolates etc. Some have included cupcakes and sugar cookies. But they have always been the product of the sisterly love shared between me and my sisters (whether adopted, through relief society, or my own wonderful sisters) IT is amazing the love and that you can partake of without a man in your life. And it’s amazing how that love is continued to be needful when that man has come.
I hope if I miss hear or hear aright , that I go running to let my sister know she’s loved!

Feb 6, 2010

I think this is it....

This one is almost too small for her. But she likes the ABCs. I love this one because esentially it's just a square peice of fabric. (A stained one at that but Little T loved the bears. It's still a little big but it will last her for awhile.) I even did decorative stitching(that was the thing that took the longest!)

Last nigh T and Yrgysh played dress up.

Once upon a time An evil spell was cast upon a good fairy. Under the evil spell she atacked the good Prince.
video
The battle was long and firce! But at last, as the Prince concered the evil spell was broken and the good fairy was released.
video
And to celebrate the good fairy invited thw handsome Prince to a ball. And they danced the night away.
(Insert video of them dancing...stupid wouldn't upload...am too tired to keep trying)

Feb 5, 2010

Adjustment of plans...

Well. After some thought (and a little pulling out of my hair)Yrygsh and I realized that we had already made the gluten adjust last year. It's taken a year to both be ok with it as a permanant situation and to learn how to work with the replacement foods. So one down, YAY!
So in light of that information we decided to take the next adjustments just as slow. This coming year we will edit out sugar replacing it with agave. In the years to come we will furthure the adjustment but one thing at a time.
Adding to my stress I got to wondering why Tori was always wearing PJs around after I cleaned her drawers out of the 24 mth stuff with each laundry load. That's when I realized shhe had only one shirt.
So I made these two thing (plus one that came out too small.
The first is a play dress because pants and potty training don't always go together.

The second was made out of a night gown the mom got from the thrift store while she was here. Remember mom? So all the hard parts were already done... it's kind of hodgpog but they are play cloths so I don't mind.


Then ofcourse there's little mE's first date with Tal(only a little more than a week younger).

And last but nit least is me making use of the sling on a particularly clingy evening.

Feb 2, 2010

Dietary Changes!!

I just got tired. Tired of wondering "Are these things really bad for my children?" "Why are we always coming down with just a little bit of something?" "Is my diet to blame for why I'm tired?"... so instead of wondering I'm just changing... I'm sure it will take time but here goes.
The things being "edited"
corn
gluten
dairy (except yogurt unless Tex says that purity 12 can replace yogurt for enzyms.)
sugar
all but a little red meat.

Now before you all freak here's what I'm replacing it with.
whole grains quinoa,millet,brown rice, tapicoa, arrowroot, buckwheat
legums (this means thinking ahead unfortunatly but hopefully will reduce the cost for other areas.)
more calcium rich veggies
agave and honey (this means cutting back on sweet but at least not getting rid of it.)

I will be shooting to make it as cheep and easy as I can but.... I'll have to see how it goes..if youlike I can post.
If you want me to shut up I can do that too:)
I also know I need to spend atleast 30 min a day outside no matter the weathure (blizzards excepted) but that might wait till we've got the diet on tract.
what do yall think? Any suggestions?
I just made my first cookies..they might just be crumbs lol

Jan 29, 2010

Disclaimer... this is not a true story :)

It may seem strange to you but when you grow up that way it never occurs to you to mention it. You just assume that’s how it is in every family.
Dad would come home from work kiss us all and then take the littlest one from mom. She would give him an extra long kiss and whisper “Till we meet again.” Turn and walk out the sliding glass door. At some point each of us children tried to go with her or repeated her words to Dad. He didn’t think it was very funny or amusing. Which should have struck us as odd since he thought everything we did was amusing.
Then we would play with Dad for hours until mom came back in laughing and hugging us all with such tender exuberant kisses that we often squirmed in her arms.
Like I said, it never seemed strange to us. But one night, when I hit my quiet aloof stage, I watched mom leave. There were five of us by then and I guess I can thank my little brothers for distracting dad so he didn’t notice that I wasn’t with them in the family room.
She didn’t look back she just walked through the glass door and out onto the patio. It occurred to me for the first time that there was no way off the patio. So I followed aware of the tumultuous noise coming from behind me. She bowed her head and took a step toward the far end. At first I wondered why she was moving so slowly. But then I realized that she was much smaller. With every step grew inches shorter till at last she stood at the edge of the railing only inches high in a small leafy green dress. She looked quickly around and then I saw two misty wings spread out and she flew away into the foliage that surrounded our house.
My mom was a fairy.

Jan 28, 2010

Learning to keep my hands off.

When I wasyoung my mother pinched my pimples. Now I wouldn’t say this was uncommon. But, like others I know I became obsessive comulsivve about popping the little mounds of evil. Not only do I feel the need to pinch my own but I can’t keep my hands off my husband’s zits either. This has caused problems in our marriage. Woops. But he’s forgiving.
Now my little girls have those little white bumps that look like pimples but are really immature glands and if you pinch them it can leave scarring as well as damage the gland permanently. So no pinching, right? Right.
What about scratching?
I caught myself scratching at the glands to help the process along. At the same time I realized how much I was trying to “fix” my husband’s faults and I couldn’t help noticing and trying to quickly correct my daughter’s developmental ‘delays’.
I’m pinching them… not their faces.
And we all know what happens. You this you get the head out but you cause more damage underneath. That gave me pause to think…What would it hurt to let things take care of themselves? What damage was a causing by constantly picking and pinching?
Like the real habit the metaphorical habit is taking time and conscious effort to overcome but I think it’s working. Awake
Now if only I could keep my finger nails off my own face.

Jan 23, 2010

Another one of my wierd ones....

Sunrise filled Amy’s eyes with a warm glow. She thought of oranges, oranges and bacon, oranges bacon and…
“Are you ever getting up?”
Amy groaned and rolled over. Why did the universe permit siblings?
“I’m going to pee on you.” Especially younger brothers.
“Eww! Get away!”
“Mom said you have to take me to the bathrooms and I’m sick of waiting.”
Amy rubbed her eyes. They felt much better closed than they did open. “Aren’t you old enough to pee without someone holding your hand?”
“Yes, but I don’t want to have to deal with mom flipping out when I come back to camp without you. “ He folded his arms and smiled. “You should thank me. I’m saving you from getting chewed out too.”
“Thanks.” By now Amy had donned her flip flops, a robe, and her glasses. The restrooms were set up two camps over. All she had to do was step carefully and they’d make it with no problem.
Sam pushed the tent flap aside and Amy drew in her breath.
Earth still seemed so far away. Grey dust hovered from the motion of the tent flap but other than that everything was still. Amy’s hand went to her breathing collar instinctively. You could see how little air there was up here. The glasses even increased the clarity.
“Are you going to sit here goggling all day? I really got to go.”
Amy smiled at her brother. “I’ll beat you.”
“Whatev…” But Amy was already bouncing off. Sam tried to keep up but the ballet she had taken a year ago on earth had prepared her for the rythmn of the long steps unlike Sam’s track. The only thing her parents had done to prepare her for this place. The feel of almost weightlessness reminded her of the day before they had told them. She had finished first in a dance competition. Then that morning, the last time she had ever tasted fresh oranges and bacon, Dad told them that their family had been chosen to colonize. The moon soil came up beneath her like an unwanted shock of reality.
Sam had fallen, at least twice. He was covered in dust. Mom would be pissed. Amy laughed. “Oh well at least she wont be the only one.”
“Hey cute dog you got there.”
Amy turned around and saw an overly tall teen with white blond hair and dark green eyes. You wouldn’t think she’d notice his eye color that fast but when everyone you’ve seen for the last year has on visors you notice the eyes. Not to mention the way they seemed to glow in the unadulterated sun light. He smiled at her. She smiled back. She had heard of contacts that the scientists had been working on to replace the glasses, but she had expected them to be black or something. More freakiness to this freaky world. “Hi. I'm Amy.” He nodded. “I don’t think I’ve seen you in camp before.”
He shook his head. “Not in this one.” His smile grew a little more as he watched Sam stumble once more, the anger clearly increasing his clumsiness. “When I saw you running I thought perhaps I had seen you before, but I see you are one of them.”
“One of who?” Amy wondered if he might be older than he looked and was part of the science clan. “I’m from clan C.”
“Then you are one of them.” His face fell a little. “Well you are very elegant anyway. You would make a nice pet.” Amy stepped back awkwardly almost losing her balance. “Yes, come puppy.” He grabbed her arm gently. “I will not hurt you.” She felt herself relaxing. “There are too many dogs from earth. But you I will keep.” The world began to go black. “I will take you to home before we get rid of the rest.” His voice echoed as she fell.
Amy’s arm flung out with a jerk. She felt like she had just fallen a great distance.
The white sheets beneath her rustled as she turned over. She shook off the weird feeling the dream had left behind. You would think that winning a ballet contest would produce something happier. She could smell the bacon down stairs. She scrambled to throw on her robe. Then she heard her father’s voice.
“Hurry up kids. Your mother and I have something extremely important to tell you.”

Jan 21, 2010

Just randome photos I wanted to share...

Little mE already has her Daddy's number... lol We took Little Wiggly to see the Salt Lake temple because she was so excited to see pictures. It was so cold we spent most of our time inside the visitors center. Our sister-in-law took this picture for us. (Thank you :)

Starting the tradition of reading together early.

Here's little Wiggly enjoying her books and asking Mommy to read. (All our book shelves are made up of packing boxs... )




Little mE snuggled down into the sling same Sister-in-laaw made for us. (She's begining to like it more... espeshally if she's ready to pass out. :)





Blessing Day

It was my little one's special day. I spent a little over a month make the dress while I was pregnant with her. And we're so glad we didn't wait till the middle of March as she barly fits it now. Daddy loves his little girl.
Moomy and Daddy love their little girl.
Modeling

Yrgysh's whole imdiate family was there.

We did it in the chaple at night and the kids where hard to rein in as they never get to run around the chaple normally.

Also our good friends from Logan were there.


I'm so glad our little mE has joined us!

Jan 20, 2010

Just something

Sweet and moist the air swept gently across the mountains. Wispy white clouds raced about as heavy dark billows lumbered methodically through the narrow passes.
We knew there would be a storm that night but to watch it make its’ way toward you was a new a disconcerting experience. The woodlands had been my home since birth. There you might hear a distant rumble shortly before the storm but mostly it came upon you with all the stealth of an eagle swooping down from the vast blue to capture the unsuspecting rabbit.
Here we sat, our first night in this vast barren waste and we could see the storm coming. Miles and miles away, it crawled and loomed ever nearer, like a snake seeking to mesmerize its’ pray by sheer admiration of its’ deadly coils.

Ten things that make me Happy...

As I was invited to do so I shall.

1: Looking at my daughters. Seriously just looking at them makes me happy.
2: Knowing someone I love is progressing in a happy direction. You have no idea how that makes me wantto sing and dance.
3: Roses.
4: Beauty. Anything that is pretty or beautiful... espeshally those that make my heart acke.
5: When my husband smiles or laughs. It's espeshally happy making if it's because of something I said or did.
6: Trees... oh how I miss them. Their voices so long quiet in my head. I love to hear the trees talk.
7: Some one who "gets it". Anytime I find that someone understands even a part of what I'm thinking and gets it is so wonderufl.
8: Dancing... singing. It can sound horrid and look unbalanced but singing and dancing are the only way to express it.
9:When the words fall together. To capture anything with symbols of black and white in a way that you can't help but see, smell, or feel it.
10: Those moments when the spirit whispers to my heart and mind and for that second everything makes sense and I know...
I made it! I think I needed that today.

Jan 8, 2010

Somedays Merrit Dumbo


Today was Yrysh's day off.
But it wasn't mine and he had to fill out a lot of paper work.
Poor Little T watched both of us working on our computers all day. She could have made it difficult...
But instead she was great. She even kept her panties dry except twice. She ate most of everything I put in front of her and not one fit all day. She even spent a whole hour playing tea with little mE.


So tonight she watched Dumbo... she's so easy on us...

Jan 4, 2010

The Last Great Adventure, thougts and realizations.

Death. What could be more natural? No one asks that immortal question “Why?” of birth. Yet no event is more prone to cause pain and suffering, no occasion is more dreaded, and besides birth nothing is more avoided and more control sought over. Yet, our control is only illusionary. In the end we are in no more control than we are of the wind. You do not overcome death or birth… you merely pass through them.


When I was young I remember crying one day. Crying at the thought of one of my family dyeing. I just knew it could not be. So, I volunteered to go instead because I knew that staying behind would be the hard part, then I could be the one to greet the others. Year after year passed and I didn’t die but a few distant relatives did. I never took their deaths badly because I saw it as a release from pain they had been suffering from. And I began to think death just didn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. Still, I expected to die young.

Then I got married and I knew new fear. Would I die before he got to serve a mission? I know… it sounds funny but I feared that I wouldn’t get to go with him. Yet I prepared myself and him for me to die at a young age. I had volunteered and I had no desire to live without him, even if death didn’t bother me that much.


Then I watched my father die. Yet, I wasn’t there the day he passed. I can still remember packing after recieving the phone call that he had passed and doing math just to prove to myself I wasn’t supposed to be there. I remember exactly where I was and what I was reading on the drive there when I knew that the Lord could still raise him and he could be alive and well when I got back to the house. I remember walking into a shockingly empty room and realized that the body had already been taken. And I had never said goodbye. I never wanted to say goodbye. Oh the shock… no Dad sitting up healthy and eating those stupid peanut butter and jelly with grilled and buttered bread… no, just grief. And dispight the moments when I feel him near, I miss him.

Now I look at my daughters and for the first time I fear dyeing. I fear my husband’s death even more. How could they at such a young tender age go through the death of a parent. I am petrified of them dieing. But how could I stand to be on the other side of the vale and not be able to hold them and comfort them and… I need to live for them. I need him to live for us… for I could never provide what he can.

So here I am… having changed my mind. And yet still as vonerable as ever. Should it be me or should it be them… so natural and yet… though my father is not gone… I fear going through another death. Yet I cannot avoid it, for life is only a point between two places and both must be passed in order for any of this to make sense.
I used to laugh at the bad guys and the foolish plot lines where the goal is to live forever. “Don’t they know that the only way to live forever is to die?” But in the end I am as bad as they are. For the only reason they fear death is the same reason I do… we fear losing that which we love the most….
Perhapse I should love God more. Then the going will be as joyful as the coming,

Then I shall never lose what I love the most...
and like my fahter I will be able to bless those I love no matter what side of the veil I stand on.