An Expectant Mother's Rant

Have you ever noticed
1) that when your due date aproches every little action is measured as to how it will encourage or discourage labor? (Not helpful)
2) that relaxation becomes esentail yet unatainable? (What's up with that? I'm seriously considering tylonol PM)
3) That the baby starts to try to get out on their own... unfortunatly it's though your rib cage? (I need to make a light and stick it down there to lead the way out... then she can enter and exit this existence by going down a tunnel toward a bright light.)
4) That it feels like someone has the gag button pressed? ("Labor's starting... no itisn't HA!" An hour later "This could be it... NOPE! I can't believe you fell for it again!")
5) That waiting for labor seems like a great test of your santity? (You must pass this if you're going to be worthy of raising this child.)
6) And finally... that while waiting your brain can come up with some of the stupidest things to do to 'prepare'? (Like chop your hair off, buy lots of stuff, watch old movies you can't stand anymore, watch bad humor in an effort to make yourself laugh, go on hikes, jump on trampolines (no I have not nor will ever jump on a trampoline while pregnant), clean the whole house.... again, and one of my favorites... allow some Dr. to stick their hands up inside of you to tell you how far along you are (not that it will change how long you have to wait) and possibly "help the processes along"? Are you nuts?! You want to do WHAT to my WHAT?!
I hope you've laughed. :)